Easter Off
by cinbru
Summary: The next part in the 'Billy' series. Rangeman likes to let loose around the holidays and Easter is a great time to get the munchies.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. I won't even admit to owning Billy. Janet owns everything.

**Note: For Robin and Beth, who asked and gave me such a good idea. I need to take what I dish out. And if you are new to my Billy fics, I suggest you go back and read the first ones or you will really think this is dumb.**

**Easter Off**

**8:00 pm**

Ten minutes. We'd only been stoned for ten minutes and Lester was already naked. Each time we got together and did this, at some point, Lester found a reason to get naked. The first time it was because he wanted to wrap himself in toilet paper at Tank's house. It deteriorated after that. The last time was two nights before Christmas and we had been having a discussion about penis size. Lester had become naked instantly upon returning to the apartment claiming that fresh air helped 'El Conquistador' grow and thrive. Apparently the big fella needed air for three hours.

Tank, Ranger and I sat on the couch looking at Lester. Tank broke first.

"Why, man?"

"Billy told me to. See, Billy and I got this connection. It's this whole nature karma thing. Pot is natural. Billy is made of glass which comes from the earth. My buzz is so much better if I am connected to my inner earthen spirit."

"Billy was made in Taiwan."

"So? They don't have dirt in Taiwan? Don't be a hater."

I wasn't stoned enough for this conversation. I'd come to find out that Lula and I usually took longer than the guys to feel the effects of Billy Bong. I think that since their bodies were so free of pollutants they couldn't handle it as well when something foreign did enter their systems. This was the one thing in life that was helped by our daily intake of saturated fats and preservatives. Plus I'd smoked so much in college it had become one of my food groups.

It was the Saturday night before Easter. Our little 'parties' seemed to have become a holiday tradition. It wasn't near as hard to convince Ranger this time as it was at Christmas. I didn't want to say anything to him, but I think Ranger was becoming a semi-stoner. He couldn't get enough of pot sex or, as Tank referred to it, a 'toker stroker'. I wasn't complaining. Ranger is _very_ focused when under the influence.

We were waiting for Bobby to show up. He was finishing up downstairs and then he was going to take us to Taco Bell while he was still sober. Bobby seems to always get the shaft on sobriety, which we really wouldn't care about except that he bitches like an old woman. Lula was coming over later.

Bobby arrived at 8:45 during third round of the 'I'm Not Touching You' game. He looked at Lester and shrugged.

"Earthen spirit?"

"Fuckin' A, Bong O bong bong yong."

"You do what you gotta do, bitch, but you're at least wearing pants in the car."

"Hater."

Lester pulled on his clothes and we piled in the elevator. It stopped on six on the way down and Ella stepped on with the last of her laundry for the evening. Ranger's face creased into a smile.

"Ella. It's so nice to see you. Have I given you a raise this year? Because I really love having you here. I mean, I _really_ love you." He pulled her into a hug, smooshing her laundry.

"Hi there, dear. Yes, at Christmas when I brought up the second batch of cookies you raised my salary to 6.4 million." She looked at us critically. "Are you going out?" We nodded.

"And who's driving?" We pointed at Bobby. Ella studied him and nodded. "Alright, but just go right on down to the garage and don't talk to anyone else." She extracted herself from Ranger and patted his arm. "I can bring up some cake later, but I'm afraid the rest of the men ate the Easter candy I put out, dear."

Ranger's eyes widened slightly. "We had candy? You mean real candy? In this building?" Bobby mumbled something that contained 'fucking stoner'.

"Yes," Ella said. "But it's gone now. I had M&Ms, chocolate eggs and Peeps."

Tank, Ranger, Lester and I were staring at Ella, our mouths open slightly. Ella took a step back and Bobby angled his body in between her and us. The doors opened on two and she stepped out.

"Good night and be safe. Call if you need anything."

"I love you," Ranger called as the doors closed.

We were silent the rest of the way down. We were silent to the car. We were silent on the way to Taco Bell. We pulled in the parking lot and Bobby turned to us.

"What is wrong with you? Lester didn't mention his penis one time. Steph, you didn't fantasize about Chili Cheese Burritos and Ranger…well, you're normal."

I looked at Bobby. "I'm sad."

Lester nodded and Ranger put his arm around me.

Bobby raised his eyebrows. "And why?"

"It's Easter and we have no candy. Not even a Cadbury's Cream Egg." I felt Ranger's arm tighten around me and Tank made a sad noise.

"I would make fun of you but I'm sure I'll be sad, too, in an hour. Maybe we'll stop on the way back." He opened his door and got out. "Now stay here. It looks like a long line."

Awhile ago we had been such pains in the ass the first time we went through the drive-thru with Bobby that he wouldn't do it again. Now we had to wait in the car while he went in. Normally we played the 'How Many Taco's are You Going to Eat' game while we waited but two minutes in (Tank had just proclaimed 12 tacos) a certain part of Lester decided to make a statement. We were driven from the car.

We huddled around the car, staying close. This was new territory for us on the outside and we weren't sure what to do. Ranger got a little nervous being in full view of the Taco Bell clientele so we scurried around the other side of the Bronco, bordering the next lot.

It was late and dark by now, Trenton having long ago gone home in the outskirts of downtown. I wasn't scared, though. I was surrounded by man flesh. But I was fucking hungry and I wanted a fucking Peep. I walked a few steps away and looked out across the yard from Taco Bell.

"Easter Bunny?" I said. "Are you there? I really need some fucking candy."

"Who are you talking to, Babe?"

"The Easter Bunny."

"Babe."

"What? You don't believe in the Easter Bunny?"

Ranger stared at me. "I'll believe in him if he brings me candy."

"No shit," Tank said. "I need some chocolate so bad. Or some of those Jelly Bean eggs. The ones with the spots. Holy fuck I need some candy."

Lester wasn't saying anything or even moving. He was staring at a bush.

"You guys," he whispered quietly. He was frozen.

"What?"

He started motioning wildly. "E gong gong."

"Huh?' Tank asked.

"E GONG GONG!"

We looked at the bush. Sure enough, a plastic egg was nestled in the grass. All four of us huddled down around it.

Ranger poked it with a stick. The egg rolled a bit but didn't change. Tank looked at Ranger.

"What do you think, man?"

"Looks to be a polyvinyl chloride based entity. Roughly 2 5/8ths inch oblong vessel. Seems to be a shade of purple."

We stared at it again.

"I think it's an egg," Lester said.

My mouth was moving, but nothing was coming out. Just as Tank was getting out his gun to shoot it, I sprang into action.

"NO! Don't you see? It from the Easter Bunny! It's an Easter Egg!"

Ranger furrowed his brow. "Are you sure?"

"One way to find out." I picked it up. The three guys gasped and backed up. I cracked it open and we all stared at the perfect, foil wrapped chocolate egg inside.

"Holy Mother of God," Lester whispered. Everyone took a step closer and I became uneasy.

"Now wait a minute, boys," I said, starting to back up.

"Babe. I'll do anything you want in bed for any length of time if you give me one bite of that."

Tank was a few feet away, staring at a big rock. "Guys."

"I don't know, Ranger. That's a hard one. There is that one thing you do with your tongue and your pinkie-"

"Guys!" Tank said louder. We turned and looked at him. He pointed at the rock.

"E gong gong!"

We looked down. Another egg was half hidden beside the rock on the ground. Lester dove for it and got one hand on it before Tank tackled Lester. They rolled around for awhile until Tank came up with the egg. Inside were some Jelly beans. Suddenly Ranger pointed at a plant. A blue egg was just visible.

We started looking around the lot in the dim light from Taco Bell next door. As far as the eye could see…eggs. In every pastel color of the rainbow.

"It's a sign. The Easter Bunny..he heard us!" I said.

Ranger had his hand over his mouth. "Holy shit. Go! Go!"

We bolted to the Bronco and grabbed the riot bags, dumping out the guns and vests in the back. Ranger and I had to share as there were only three. We ran back to the lot and the search began. The eggs were everywhere. Blue, green, yellow, orange, purple, pink. All filled with the most wonderful Easter candy imaginable. We laughed with glee as we filled the bags, not stopping until we had every single egg. And we knew this because Lester and Ranger had night vision goggles.

We checked Bobby's position inside and saw that he was finishing up. Tank looked at us seriously. "This needs to be kept a secret for now. Bobby wouldn't understand. He's not one of us yet."

We all nodded our agreement and stashed the bags in the back. We hurried back into the Bronco, relieved that the stench had faded. We were back in our seats and buckled when Bobby hopped in with the food, the glorious smell of grease, cheese and onions wafting over us. We all did a collective sigh.

Bobby turned and looked at us. "You all look so much happier. What happened?"

We looked at each other, completely void of any solution to avoiding his question. One by one we looked to Ranger, our hero, to save us. Ranger looked back at us blankly.

"I'm waaay too stoned for this." He turned back to Bobby and suddenly pointed out the window. "Look! A giant rhinoceros!"

Bobby swung his head quickly in the direction Ranger was pointing. "What? Where? I don't see anything."

"Man, you fucking missed it."

Tank tried to hold in the laugh but he started making grunting noises, which made Lester go and then I lost it. Then Ranger got going and we all about peed ourselves. Bobby started the car and drove out of the lot.

"Damn I hate being the sober one. Why am I always the fucking sober one? You people are damn annoying."

We made it back to Rangeman with the added bonus of Bobby forgetting to stop for candy because he was annoyed. He turned off the car and climbed out, turning to face us.

"I'm going to run up to my apartment and change. Can you make it to 7 without doing something stupid and embarrassing us?" We all nodded, trying to hide our joy at him leaving. He got on the elevator and we ran to the back to retrieve the bags. Loaded down with food and eggs we hurried on the elevator and back to the apartment, grinning and dancing in our excitement of future sugar consumption.

Back in Ranger's apartment we made quick work of our Taco Bell. Bobby was smart enough to take his with him or it would have been a Tank appetizer.

Bobby forgotten, we sprawled on the floor with the bags. We dumped them out and looked in shock at the vast array of eggs before us. There were hundreds. Tank broke open a yellow one and held up the bag of M&M's. He stared for a moment and then closed his eyes. "I think I'm going to cry."

We all roared and began pelting him with eggs. Lester stood up, stripped and jumped back in the pile to be closer to the candy. We made snow egg angels. We tried to make an egg snowman but they wouldn't stack.

And then the eating began.

Caramels, M&M's, Peeps, chocolate eggs, Cadbury mini eggs, robins eggs, jelly beans, Reese's peanut butter cups, Hershey's kisses..it was all there. We couldn't eat it fast enough. Wrappers were everywhere and we had chocolate all over us. Which was exactly how Bobby found us 15 minutes later. He walked in and froze, taking in the sight before him. No one moved.

"Do you want to explain this, kids? Ranger?"

Ranger looked down at the eggs and then back at Bobby. "It was unbelievable, man. The Easter Bunny, he's real! And he brought us eggs like we wished for."

Bobby closed his eyes. "And did you actually see the Easter Bunny?"

"No."

"And where did you find these eggs?"

Lester raised his hand. "They were next to Taco Bell! In the field next door! Just waiting for us. A fucking bloody miracle."

Bobby covered his face with his hands and groaned. When he took his hands away he looked dead pissed.

"The field next door? Don't you mean the LAWN next door? The fucking LAWN of the Trenton Baptist Church?"

Silence filled the apartment. We looked down at the eggs and then at each other. Tank furrowed his brow. "So the Easter Bunny gave us eggs at a chur-"

"NO you big penis!" Bobby exploded. "The Easter Bunny didn't give you any eggs. Those were the eggs the church put out, like it does every FUCKING year, for the kids to find Easter morning. That's tomorrow!"

Realization hit us and my mouth opened in shock and dread. "Oh holy shit! These are God's eggs! We took God's eggs!" We all bolted up and backed away from the pile. Looking around, we assessed the damage. At least 75 percent of the eggs had been opened and eaten. Bobby shook his head and headed over to Billy on the coffee table.

"I need pot. If I get stoned I'm no longer responsible for this. You have NO idea how bad I have earned this pot." He flicked the lighter and sucked for all he was worth. Inspired, we lined up for our turn.

Thirty minutes later Bobby was stoned, we were even more stoned and still clueless on how to fix the problem. Tank's phone rang, disrupting our serious thinking. He opened it up and hit talk on speaker.

"Hello?"

"Hey sugar love. How's my big daddy?" Lula's voice filled the room.

Tank was wasted. He squinted his red eyes at the phone. "Who is this?"

"What do you mean, who is this? You know who it is, Tanky. It's the Easter Bunny and I'm coming to get you! You have some sugar with my name on it and I want it."

Our eyes bugged out. Lester jumped up. "Oh God! It's the Easter Bunny! He's coming for us! We're doomed!"

Ranger kicked Tank's phone away from him. "Hang up. No don't hang up! Try to trace the call!"

The phone was still talking. "See you in a few minutes, big daddy." Then it went dead.

Bobby was freaked. "Holy shit. You people were right! There really is an Easter Bunny! Oh, were dead. He knows about the eggs!"

We all jumped up. "Hide the eggs!" Ranger yelled. Furiously we began scooping eggs and wrappers back into the bags. We got it all contained and shoved the evidence in the hall bathroom.

Ranger turned to me. "Game plan time. Babe, tell me everything you know about the Easter Bunny. How big is he? Does he know magic? Where did he learn combat skills?"

"How should I know, Ranger? I've never seen him. NO one has seen him. But he's gotta be huge to carry all those eggs around."

Tank shook his head. "No, I can't let you guys do this. He said he was coming for me only. Save yourselves."

Lester grabbed Tank by the shoulders. "No way, man. If the Easter Bunny wants you, he's gotta go through all of us." We all agreed.

Tank looked emotional. He grabbed Lester's shoulders in the same fashion. "Thanks, man."

For some reason, we couldn't seem to come up with a plan so we visited with Billy again, hoping he might enlighten us. No such luck. And we were getting increasingly paranoid. We were on another bowl when we heard the door handle jiggle. We did the only thing we could think of. We ran to Ranger's closet.

Ranger has a very big walk in closet. Once upon a time Ranger and I debated on how much of my clothes needed to be in here to define 'couple'. Tonight there was no debate needed to say that five adults didn't fit, especially if one was Tank. It was dark and we were trying to bury ourselves behind the hanging clothes. We were panicked. We heard the front door open and shut and footsteps sound in the hallway.

"Hello?" the Easter Bunny called. "Where you fools at?"

"Babe," Ranger said. "If I never see you again, you are the only woman I have ever loved."

The footsteps came closer.

"I took my sister's retainer and lost it when I was 7. My parent's blamed her and grounded her for a month," Lester said. "I never told anyone."

"I had a fight with my Mama before I came over," said Tank.

We looked at Bobby. "I think I'm gay."

"What?" We all yelled at him, just as the door was thrown open and the Easter Bunny towered over us.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" We yelled.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Lula yelled.

"Holy shit," Tank said. "I'm having sex with the Easter Bunny."

"What are you talking about? Didn't you hear me on the phone when I said I was coming over?" We looked at each other.

"Ranger, man, you got some frickin' awesome shoes," Lester said.

Ranger nodded. "My shoes kick ass."

Lula shook her head. "I don't know what the hell you people are doing in the closet but did you know you got a whole bunch of Easter Eggs spilling out of the hall bathroom?"

I turned to Bobby. "Do you really think you're gay?"

Bobby looked uncomfortable for a moment. "No. I said I thought I was…um…schmay."

"Oh yeah," said Lester. "I think I was schmay once."

Lula walked over to the coffee table. "Oh Billy. Come to Mama. By the way, guys, I brought some Easter Candy. Anyone want candy?"

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**First** **Baptist Church of Trenton Bulletin**

**Monday March 24th**

Well it was another wonderful Easter at the First Baptist Church of Trenton! A special thanks to the ladies of the events committee for providing an extra special service and egg hunt this year. It was also fun to see the creative and less candy focused theme they provided for the eggs this year. The office supplies were an interesting touch as were the first aid supplies, dog tags and military decals. An unusual touch, ladies, and I'm sure the kids enjoyed it. On a side note, we did confirm that the grenade that Stevie Greene found in his egg is apparently called a 'dummy shell' and is completely fake. He was fine after some lemonade. We have been assured that there will be no more of these in the eggs next year.

Thank you all for the wonderful tithes and offering. We collected a record amount this year thanks to an anonymous 10,000 donation! If anyone knows who is responsible, please extend our heartfelt thanks and appreciation.

Thanks again to all in our wonderful congregation and Happy Easter!

Pastor Jim


End file.
